Monday, July 28, 2014

Blessing number 4

I've spent the last few weeks writing this post. This post is raw, real, and so uncomfortable to write. Yet so important at the same time. I pray for acceptance and acknowledgment, yet again, as I share a little piece of our story.

It was early May of 2014 and our world was rocked, in a good way, when I found out that we were pregnant... again!

 I know some of you are thinking, "how could you be that shocked? You have been pregnant three other times.. you know how it happens!" but seriously I was SHOCKED. That was not our plan.. 

When I saw those two lines on the test I was instantly nervous, excited, HAPPY and so thankful that God blessed us with a fourth child. I had fear. I was scared of the possibility that this baby too may never make it to our arms alive. However, I had faith in His plan and was going to trust in His plan no matter what the outcome.

The reality that hit me first before all other was that at that moment I was a mother to FOUR. I have one living child here on earth with me, and three other precious children that I dream about and think about daily. And one day will get to meet face to face in heaven!

It had only been 3 months since we lost our second daughter at 13 weeks. After our second loss we weren't even sure what our next step was going to be. We knew we wanted to grow our family, however we weren't entirely sure what that was going to look like. We were praying diligently about which path to take but really had no clue.

 We were trying to keep our hearts and minds open to what God had planned for us. Sometimes being present to listen to what God has to say is the hardest, especially when your hearts desire is so strong. When I found out I was pregnant a part of me thought that it was God making that difficult decision of "trying again or not" a simple one. My heart's desire was for another child and I felt like this could be it. But I also knew that there is nothing mathematical to our lives, just because we have lost our last two babies didn't mean this one was going to make it. I also knew I didn't deserve anything and that God didn't owe me anything because of our past losses.  Isaiah 66:9 says, "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, say the Lord." Now that right there gives me hope. When lately my hope has been hanging by a thread.

It was July 1st and We made it to almost 13 weeks again, so we thought, and again received the life altering news that there was NO heartbeat. My heart sank, I know this pain, yet the pain in my heart isn't any less this time. The pain is the same the third time as it was the first yet different all at the same time. Something you just can't explain.

Our precious baby number 4 lived a short 12 weeks. Do you know what a baby at 12 weeks looks likes? Arms, legs, fingers, nails.. like a baby. Seeing that lifeless imagine on the screen, though my hand covered eyes, is heartbreaking. To be honest, this is the first time I have opened my eyes during the "confirmation scan." The last two times I have been constant in prayer and read my bible app. I couldn't bring myself to look, I just wanted out of there. The second loss I felt like I couldn't look because I didn't look the first time.  But this last time I wanted to. Going through the process of "confirming" a loss is probably my least favorite, reoccurring, event I have gone through that I wish upon no one. ever. 

I debated on posting anything about what was currently happening in our lives, because the fear of another "poor me" post I know might attract some negative comments from others. But how can I honor the children that I have an leave one out? I can't. This baby is apart of us, our story, our testimony, our family, and apart of who we are and what our family is. When people think of our family I want them to think of all that has happened and I don't want one child to be hidden. I am so blessed to have a husband that is so loving, supportive and that continues to stand by my side. The way we grieve is different yet the feelings are all the same and thankfully these trials have only brought us closer and stronger. I thank God that he has used the last few years to grow us closer together in our marriage and our relationship with Him. I love my husband more today than the day I married him and I know he feels the same way and that is amazing. 

I woke up this morning, feeling so blessed that my heart felt full. There has been some fear in my heart that I will fall into a depressive stage of being angry with God. Do I understand this wonderful plan of his? Heck no. Did I cry in the bathroom at the hospital and ask why? Yes. But do I believe in my heart that the "why" doesn't matter and do I have hope in  my heart for the future. YES. I don't know what the future holds for my family. But anything worth having I know is worth fighting for and I know I have a wicked awesome support system, a husband that is by my side 100%, a son who is the the best blessing in my life, and above all a God that loves me unconditionally and is always by my side. Tonight I'm holding onto John 13:7,

Thanks for letting me share a little piece of my heart with you. We love you all and thank you all for all your continued support.