Blessing number 4

I've spent the last few weeks writing this post. This post is raw, real, and so uncomfortable to write. Yet so important at the same time. I pray for acceptance and acknowledgment, yet again, as I share a little piece of our story.

It was early May of 2014 and our world was rocked, in a good way, when I found out that we were pregnant... again!

 I know some of you are thinking, "how could you be that shocked? You have been pregnant three other times.. you know how it happens!" but seriously I was SHOCKED. That was not our plan.. 

When I saw those two lines on the test I was instantly nervous, excited, HAPPY and so thankful that God blessed us with a fourth child. I had fear. I was scared of the possibility that this baby too may never make it to our arms alive. However, I had faith in His plan and was going to trust in His plan no matter what the outcome.

The reality that hit me first before all other was that at that moment I was a mother to FOUR. I have one living child here on earth with me, and three other precious children that I dream about and think about daily. And one day will get to meet face to face in heaven!

It had only been 3 months since we lost our second daughter at 13 weeks. After our second loss we weren't even sure what our next step was going to be. We knew we wanted to grow our family, however we weren't entirely sure what that was going to look like. We were praying diligently about which path to take but really had no clue.

 We were trying to keep our hearts and minds open to what God had planned for us. Sometimes being present to listen to what God has to say is the hardest, especially when your hearts desire is so strong. When I found out I was pregnant a part of me thought that it was God making that difficult decision of "trying again or not" a simple one. My heart's desire was for another child and I felt like this could be it. But I also knew that there is nothing mathematical to our lives, just because we have lost our last two babies didn't mean this one was going to make it. I also knew I didn't deserve anything and that God didn't owe me anything because of our past losses.  Isaiah 66:9 says, "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, say the Lord." Now that right there gives me hope. When lately my hope has been hanging by a thread.

It was July 1st and We made it to almost 13 weeks again, so we thought, and again received the life altering news that there was NO heartbeat. My heart sank, I know this pain, yet the pain in my heart isn't any less this time. The pain is the same the third time as it was the first yet different all at the same time. Something you just can't explain.

Our precious baby number 4 lived a short 12 weeks. Do you know what a baby at 12 weeks looks likes? Arms, legs, fingers, nails.. like a baby. Seeing that lifeless imagine on the screen, though my hand covered eyes, is heartbreaking. To be honest, this is the first time I have opened my eyes during the "confirmation scan." The last two times I have been constant in prayer and read my bible app. I couldn't bring myself to look, I just wanted out of there. The second loss I felt like I couldn't look because I didn't look the first time.  But this last time I wanted to. Going through the process of "confirming" a loss is probably my least favorite, reoccurring, event I have gone through that I wish upon no one. ever. 

I debated on posting anything about what was currently happening in our lives, because the fear of another "poor me" post I know might attract some negative comments from others. But how can I honor the children that I have an leave one out? I can't. This baby is apart of us, our story, our testimony, our family, and apart of who we are and what our family is. When people think of our family I want them to think of all that has happened and I don't want one child to be hidden. I am so blessed to have a husband that is so loving, supportive and that continues to stand by my side. The way we grieve is different yet the feelings are all the same and thankfully these trials have only brought us closer and stronger. I thank God that he has used the last few years to grow us closer together in our marriage and our relationship with Him. I love my husband more today than the day I married him and I know he feels the same way and that is amazing. 

I woke up this morning, feeling so blessed that my heart felt full. There has been some fear in my heart that I will fall into a depressive stage of being angry with God. Do I understand this wonderful plan of his? Heck no. Did I cry in the bathroom at the hospital and ask why? Yes. But do I believe in my heart that the "why" doesn't matter and do I have hope in  my heart for the future. YES. I don't know what the future holds for my family. But anything worth having I know is worth fighting for and I know I have a wicked awesome support system, a husband that is by my side 100%, a son who is the the best blessing in my life, and above all a God that loves me unconditionally and is always by my side. Tonight I'm holding onto John 13:7,

Thanks for letting me share a little piece of my heart with you. We love you all and thank you all for all your continued support. 

His Plan is Greater...

it happened. Our worst nightmare happened... again. Medically speaking we had "another late first trimester missed miscarriage." Reality, another child, baby #3 died.

In April of 2013 at 16 weeks gestation we were given the painful news that our baby girl had died from a Cystic Hygroma. We were struck with grief and still are dealing with all the emtions. Now fast forward a bit, we got pregnant again and thinking it would make things easier if we "lost" this pregnancy we kept it a secret (we were wrong). Miscarriage is not talked about enough and it is because so many affected keep it a secret, which is 100% a personal choice and any choice is the right choice for that person, but I don't want to keep it a secret anymore. Our baby deserves to be recognized and acknowledged. So,  As I approached the end of the 1st trimester I was excited that this baby might be healthy. 8 week ultrasound went great, heard the heartbeat at 11 weeks but On February 5th, 2014, at 13 weeks at a routine heartbeat check, that I requested, we were again given the painful news that our baby had died. Our.doctor.was.shocked. I wasn't shocked I was numb. (i'll go more in depth in another post. Im not ready to relive those days again.) The last year we have been pregnant for a total of 29 weeks, with two babies that never made it to our arms, two d&c procedures, countless ultrasounds, dr visits, bloodwork and tons of medical bills. THIS was not my PLAN for expanding our family...

So.

I googled the word Plan and this is what it said, "a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something." I have been thinking about the word plan and its meaning and its purpose in my life. If you know me you know I am very much a planner. At any given moment I have lists upon list, I have to constantly reorganize my lists. I crave order and structure (my mom probably disagrees given my room in high school!) But at this point in my life I thrive when I have a clean house, lists ready, and a PLAN.

BUT...

and this is a big, huge, giant, BUT...

my plan for any situation is always, and will always be trumped by God's plan for my day, my week, my month, my LIFE. I am living out God's plan for my life and His plan is greater, bigger, and more rewarding than any plan I could have for my life. and at times thats hard for me, THIS plan is better? Two babies taken is better?

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Then I remember, these babies are God's children. These babies will be waiting for me in Heaven and one day I will hold them in my arms and not just for a moment but for eternity.
I went into my third pregnancy praying that if God's will was for this baby to go to Heaven before earth that I would praise Him and be okay.  and thats what i'm doing. I am praising him, and thanking him for giving me 12 weeks 5 days to carry our third child. For blessing us and protecting us.

 1 Peter 1:7 says:

"These [trials] have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

These trials, have and are shaping me. They have brought me closer to my creator, to my husband, to some friends, and they have changed me.. I am a stronger person today and my eyes are opened to all the blessings around me. I am truly thankful for this life and for God's plan. Even though it has turned out to be far from the plan I had for my own life.....

Looking forward to SPRING!

Ya, so I know I am getting a little ahead of myself. It is technically still winter BUT when I look outside today it is bright and sunny and I am loving it. For those of you who don't know, the first day of spring is March 20th! How do I know this? It's my mom's Birthday!

Anyways.. to get into the Spring spirit I wanted to throw together a quick wreath for our front door. Ryder and I needed to prick up some prints from Staples and Michaels craft store is right across the way. So we popped in there. I had about 20 minutes before we needed to be headed home for lunch and nap time. I threw some stuff in my cart and hit the checkout!

 $4.99 for this grapevine wreath.. who could beat that!? I chose the larger 18" wreath! 

 Grabbed a white "J" because our last name is Johnson. obviously. and Found some fake flowers cheap, $3.99 and 40% off... Not sure the math on that one but it was cheaper than $3.99 so cheap enough! oh and I grabbed a roll of burlap. I wanted a patterned print but when you have a two year old BEGGING to go to the grocery store you take what you can get!

So I didn't take any pictures of the next step because I wasn't planning on blogging about it.. but I just made the bow.. I will post a post on how to make the perfect bow later! Then I started playing with the flowers. I didn't know how I wanted it to look. I was doing this during nap time so I didn't have a ton of time..

   

 I thought I wanted the bow on the top at first. But then i didn't know how I liked the flowers.. (excuse my "HoHoHo christmas pj's & fuzzy socks. If i'm home I like to be comfy!)

THEN I decided to throw the bow in the middle and put flowers on both sides. I tied the J on the wreath with some twine I had in a craft box. I hot glued the flowers on after I ripped the stems off! and tied the Bow on! I think it's cute, easy & "fallish!" Now if only I could find one of many wreath hangers I'd be happy! Right now it's sitting in our entryway. I'm kinda enjoying getting to look at it all day! 

Ryder's FAVORITE Blueberry Pancakes: NO added junk!

Ryder loves pancakes... especially blueberry, or "bluebabies" in Ryder language! The kid can eat 5 blueberry pancakes in one sitting. He LOVES them.

 I made a big double batch of them for this weekend for Ryder since Austin and I are going on a date WEEKEND this weekend. YES, you read right. Austin & I are going to the beach, alone, for two nights and leaving Ryder at home. His Mimi, GG & grrrampa.. AKA my mom, his great grandma & grandpa are all coming down to spend the weekend with him! he is going to have a blast. A little piece of me is jealous he gets to spend the weekend with them.. but just a teeny piece that is. 

Anyways, I thought id share our favorite blueberry pancake recipe. It is oh so good and not bad for you. My favorite recipe before we found this had sugar in it, but we have cut out refined sugars so I had to give up that recipe and I am not disappointed with our new recipe at all! Hope you enjoy too :)

****(Easy to follow directions and ingredient list toward bottom)****

Start by first mixing all dry ingredients together, whole wheat flour, baking soda & baking powder and set aside. I use Bob's Red Mill Whole Wheat pastry flour when making these pancakes. As well as Trader Joe's Aluminum free baking powder. and if you are wondering where the salt is, there is NO added salt! Who needs salt?! 

In another bowl whisk together all wet ingredients, eggs, yogurt, vanilla & milk. I love  what the yogurt adds to the pancakes, thick & creamy taste. We buy Organic plain whole milk yogurt but if you choose to use a flavored yogurt you might not need to add vanilla to it.

Then pour wet ingredients slowly into dry ingredients as you whisk together, looks like this:(could it get any easier!?) : 

Now here is where you can dump in your blueberries OR you can be like me, and place the blueberries into the batter once poured on the griddle. I do this because I HATE when they clump in the batter and aren't evenly distributed though out the pancake (pathetic I know!)

I used an electric griddle today, but you can use a pan, or skillet, doesn't matter. 

I don't spray the griddle or put butter on it, leave it dry and pour mixture on & add blueberries!

Cook on both sides (obviously).. keep cooking until all mixture is gone. and all cooked.. YUUUMMMMMMY

Serve with some 100% Pure Organic Maple Syrup.. no more artificial fake maple syrup... this stuff is SOOO much better. ..... and give it a try, to be honest it took me awhile to actually enjoy and CHOOSE the pure maple syrup over the stuff that came out of the container shaped like an old lady! I literally craved that stuff for far too long after making the swtich to pure Maple Syrup. But I can honestly say I prefer the pure Maple over the fake stuff now! Finally ;)  One piece of advice, I have found that I prefer the grade A maple.. bought a different "grade" and was not liking what I was tasting AT. ALL. 

Hope you enjoy them as much as we do in our house!!! 

Here is an "easy to read" recipe: 

INGREDIENTS: 

1 cup whole wheat pastry flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1tsp baking powder

1 egg

1/2 cup Organic Plain whole milk yogurt

1 cup Organic whole milk

1 tsp pure vanilla extract

100% Pure Organic Maple Syrup for dipping 

DIRECTIONS:

1. Heat griddle to 325-350 degrees. 

2. Combine all dry ingredients in a large bowl, flour, baking soda and baking powder-- set aside.  

3. In another bowl whisk all wet ingredients, egg, yogurt, milk and vanilla.

4. Combine wet and dry ingredients together and whisk until no clumps

5. Use 1/2 cup scoop and pour onto griddle or heated pan, add blueberries and cook both sides. (cook times vary) 

6. Drizzle with maple syrup and enjoy! 

Waiting Expectantly: Matthew 7:7

ever heard of the Holy Bible app? I never wanted to be that person who at church when the Pastor asks us to open to a verse to whip out my iphone.. but guess what. I am guilty. It is convenient, easy, you can change versions in literally a tap of a button and I like it. but it isn't the same as reading scripture straight from the Bible. 

however.

one thing I do like about my Bible app is the "plans." I have been reading a Joyce Meyer devotional: Promises for Your Everyday Life. It is 365 days of a short devotional content and a complimenting verse to go along. I have enjoyed it. But today the devotion really hit home. It wasn't just the "oh i needed to hear that" reaction. it was "THAT is EXACTLY what i was falling into" reaction. I don't want to get too deep into my situation but I have been in the same "rut" for a little while now. Praying hard and feeling like i'm not seeing that breakthrough.. (in a sense). I am not a passive person, but I feel like I was starting to be passive about waiting for God to answer some prayers. but Joyce Meyer's has again helped me see things more clearly. 

This is what my daily devotional by Joyce Meyer read today:  

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. -Matthew 7:7

"Have you been praying about a situation in your life and found yourself waiting for a breakthrough? Are you wondering why the answer hasn't come yet? Do you feel as though victory is passing you by?

Sometimes when we pray long and hard about a situation in our life without receiving any answers, we just learn to live with it. We go on about our business, wondering if or when God will send the answer. But God does hear those prayers, and He's working out the answers even though we may not know all the details. Our situation can change suddenly, quickly, without warning!Until then we can either wait passively or expectantly. A passive person gives up, but the expectant person, on the other hand, is hopeful, believing the answer is just around the corner, due to arrive any minute. His belief is not a passive thing. His heart is full of hope, expecting his problem to be solved at any moment. He wakes up every morning expecting to find his answer. He may wait and wait, but he'll keep asking until suddenly, God turns everything around."-- JOYCE MEYER

Not that I was going to give up on waiting for God to answer but part of me was is wanting to just "forget" about it. Stop asking. stop caring. stop putting so much heart into my prayer. BUT deep down do I feel that is the right path for me? no. I don't. Is it easier? Yes. sure it is easier to just "give up." However, I want to wait expectantly not passively. I want to wait with my heart full of hope and faithful that He will answer and that no matter what the answer I will be content and continue to give all thanks to the Lord. 

that is my ramble for today, a little peak into my heart. and remember, ALWAYS:

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever- Psalm 136:1

Molly's Suds Review

For awhile I have been debating about making my own laundry detergent or even simply using a more Organic laundry detergent. But I have always put it off.  Ryder has been having some issues with his skin and I have switched him over to only coconut oil on his skin and it has helped a lot (more on that in another post!) but I have been feeling like I needed to do more! We also found out that Austin has slight eczema, and has since he was little.. little did we know! 

We have always been a Tide family, always. Until recently.. this is kinda embarrassing to admit but, Austin has some sick obsession with Whisk laundry detergent! A few months ago I caved and bought it just for his laundry.. then ran out of Tide and started using it on ours. (Now Im not saying Whisk is a bad product, or a brand that won't clean your clothes, but for someone like me that tries to reduce the amount of chemicals I expose my family too this isn't  the best product.. just smell it, it is STRONG and it leaves our clothes feeling like there is a film on them. Nasty right.. and chemical wise, I'm Tide is no better) 

Anyways, 100daysofrealfood.com had a discount code for Molly's Suds, who I have been wanting to try. It was a Friday night and Austin had made me a mixed drink that was "one shot too strong" and it gave me the courage to spend the $61.25 (including shipping) and just do it. Which was actually a great deal.

One thing I loved was that there was tracking on the order. So I could see exactly where it was. The shipping said 3 business days, but because of the holiday it took about 5 days to get to it's new home! 

When I saw the box sitting outside my front door my first thought was, "thats a small box!" But it was just packed very well ;)

Everything fit so nice and perfect in the box!!

This is what I ordered: 

*1 bag of laundry powder- 128 Loads

*All sport wash- 32 loads

*6 wool dryer balls

TOTAL with SHIPPING: $61.25 (with discount code) 

(You can order the same "starter package" for $65.00 right now + shipping HERE) 

They end sent me a 20% off coupon for my next purchase! 

and added some cleaning tips as well.

The second I opened the package I HAD to try it out. So I grabbed a load of towels and threw them in. The instructions say to not overload the washer because it needs room for agitation.. I opened the bag of laundry powder and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the smell, it smells wonderful.. i wanted to eat it (they advise you NOT to eat it). I have front load washer/dryer so I put one scoop of laundry powder directly over the clothes (which felt strange!) To my first few loads I added 1/2 cup (ish) of vinegar in the fabric softener tray like suggested to help assist in the removal of buildup from our old laundry detergent and for softening. I washed the first loads with warm water like suggested as well. When the wash was done I was pleasantly surprised how fresh our towels smelled. For my whites I added some baking soda to the wash to assist in brightening..  I then threw them into the dryer with 6 dryer balls and turned it on. The towels came out soft and smelling clean! I am happy!!

Since we do not put any of our shirts, or any of my jeans in the dryer I was worried they would come out feeling hard or stiff, but they hang dry soft just like before. 

One thing I have noticed now that I have washed more of our clothes is that our clothes aren't left feeling like they have laundry soap or dryer sheet residue still in them. They feel clean and fresh and no residue left over which is great.

*I have washed in both warm and cold water and see no difference in the effectiveness.. both worked great, however Molly's Suds recommends warm water wash. 

Austin isn't really loving the dryer balls. He thinks that they are too loud in the dryer and I kinda agree. I took three out an the noise was reduced and made him a little happier! He does agree though that they make our clothes super soft. 

One of the main things that drew me to Molly's Suds was this statement:

"No sodium laureth/lauryl sulfates, no phosphates, no petrochemicals, no formaldehyde, no parabens, no 1,4 dioxane, no fillers, no Diethanolamines, no synthetic surfactants, no PEG (polyethylene glycols), no NPE (nonylphenol ethoxylates)."

 WHY IN THE WORLD would any of that crap need to be in our laundry detergents? Just sayin.. makes no sense.

Overall, I am VERY happy with my Molly's Suds purchase. I love her story, her mission, this product. Really you should head over to www.mollyssuds.com and give it a try!!

Happy Birthday Mr. B

HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY BRUCE! We can't believe he is already 5. To be completely honest, we thought he was turning 4... oops! I had to get his paperwork out to get him licensed and I saw his birth year being 08.. Not 09 like we thought. Our first born is getting old! 

We missed his birthday by a day (sorry B) so we celebrated yesterday. He just loves wearing party hats ;) 

Me. B is the best dog in th world. Hope he sticks around for many many more years!