His Plan is Greater...

it happened. Our worst nightmare happened... again. Medically speaking we had "another late first trimester missed miscarriage." Reality, another child, baby #3 died.

In April of 2013 at 16 weeks gestation we were given the painful news that our baby girl had died from a Cystic Hygroma. We were struck with grief and still are dealing with all the emtions. Now fast forward a bit, we got pregnant again and thinking it would make things easier if we "lost" this pregnancy we kept it a secret (we were wrong). Miscarriage is not talked about enough and it is because so many affected keep it a secret, which is 100% a personal choice and any choice is the right choice for that person, but I don't want to keep it a secret anymore. Our baby deserves to be recognized and acknowledged. So,  As I approached the end of the 1st trimester I was excited that this baby might be healthy. 8 week ultrasound went great, heard the heartbeat at 11 weeks but On February 5th, 2014, at 13 weeks at a routine heartbeat check, that I requested, we were again given the painful news that our baby had died. Our.doctor.was.shocked. I wasn't shocked I was numb. (i'll go more in depth in another post. Im not ready to relive those days again.) The last year we have been pregnant for a total of 29 weeks, with two babies that never made it to our arms, two d&c procedures, countless ultrasounds, dr visits, bloodwork and tons of medical bills. THIS was not my PLAN for expanding our family...

So.

I googled the word Plan and this is what it said, "a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something." I have been thinking about the word plan and its meaning and its purpose in my life. If you know me you know I am very much a planner. At any given moment I have lists upon list, I have to constantly reorganize my lists. I crave order and structure (my mom probably disagrees given my room in high school!) But at this point in my life I thrive when I have a clean house, lists ready, and a PLAN.

BUT...

and this is a big, huge, giant, BUT...

my plan for any situation is always, and will always be trumped by God's plan for my day, my week, my month, my LIFE. I am living out God's plan for my life and His plan is greater, bigger, and more rewarding than any plan I could have for my life. and at times thats hard for me, THIS plan is better? Two babies taken is better?

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Then I remember, these babies are God's children. These babies will be waiting for me in Heaven and one day I will hold them in my arms and not just for a moment but for eternity.
I went into my third pregnancy praying that if God's will was for this baby to go to Heaven before earth that I would praise Him and be okay.  and thats what i'm doing. I am praising him, and thanking him for giving me 12 weeks 5 days to carry our third child. For blessing us and protecting us.

 1 Peter 1:7 says:

"These [trials] have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

These trials, have and are shaping me. They have brought me closer to my creator, to my husband, to some friends, and they have changed me.. I am a stronger person today and my eyes are opened to all the blessings around me. I am truly thankful for this life and for God's plan. Even though it has turned out to be far from the plan I had for my own life.....